Running & Not Turning Back

I didn't cry once.
I didn't cry the night before,
I didn't cry the morning of,
I didn't cry saying goodbye,
I didn't cry as the vans pulled out of the drive,
I didn't cry on the way home,
I didn't cry in my empty house.

Honestly- I haven't cried since he left (except when I slammed my arm into the top of the truck door loading my SUP on top- and those were tears of pain ...oh and that video they played on Father's day at church- heartstrings pulled!).

What have I done?
Laughed.
Smiled.
Enjoyed.
Pushed on.

So many people that were here for the previous deployment, people that knew about the anxiety, people that did see the tears, and heard the fear - they have all told me how proud they are of me. How much of a change they see in me. How much stronger I am now.

So... I sat down and asked myself is this true? Am I a stronger changed woman? After much deliberation (what, you don't go back and forth about things in your head?) I decided that I am, and mainly it isn't about my pride but rather forgiveness. Forgiving myself.

2011 was a rough year for me, while we moved to paradise, I honestly just felt like the world was crashing in. You are welcome to click back through the posts from that year thru early 2012 to see what I mean. But it was a dark and scary place spiritually (I've got a journal of confused/angry letters written to God), emotionally (my poor husband never knew if I was truly happy or just faking a smile for him), and physically (I got down to about 105lbs). I mainly think what drives me now is that I never want to go back. Never.

We watched a video clip at church from Joyce Meyer about forgiveness, her driving point was that we are "anointed for hard," my gut reaction to that was "NO, I don't WANT to be anointed for anything HARD!" I also decided to join "Sisterhood Saturday's" at church and we are going thru Lisa Bevere's "Girl's with Swords" and just this past week she said "I believe that the attacks on your life have much more to do with who you might be in the future than who you have been in the past."

"I’m not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don’t get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I’ve got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I’m off and running, and I’m not turning back."

Philippians 3:12-14 (MSG) 

I think what it ultimately came down to was deciding to forgive myself for my weakness & fear. To know that I can't control my husband's fate, but that God is holding him in his hands, just as he holds me. To take any 10min conversation with my husband as a blessing, knowing that some women don't even get that. To live (fully) while he is away and not to think that I need to "put my life on hold" while he is gone. To trust in our love and commitment to each other and leave it at that.

So, if others can be proud of me for where I am 2yrs later... I guess I should be as well. God, my family, and friends ultimately got me thru it... but I had to decide, and still choose everyday to live positively! 

Now, it's my turn to help others through their anxiety & fears.

Yikes!

I have never been such a blog slacker before... I cannot believe it's been four months since I last posted. I plan on catching up, but I figure I better start blogging again and play catch-up at the same time, instead of just "waiting to get around to it." Especially after my talk with mom & dad today, I honestly have a terrible memory. I am not one of those people that can tell you intricate details about my childhood, I even have trouble pin-pointing things from college which was only 4yrs ago... and sadly this includes people. Should I be concerned? Maybe? Anyone have any memory boosting tips?! Saying all that I realized that this blog is pretty much "my journal," realistically I probably should figure out how to make a hard copy of it so I can look back on it all one day. Anyone up for printing & binding these past 6yrs for me? No takers? Yeah... I feel the same way...

So much has happened in the past four months that still need to be added including (but not limited to):

• A few more photos of friends & family in AZ from February
• Adrien & Billy's Wedding Renewal in Washington
• A solo-SUP adventure to clear my head
• Adrien donating her hair in memory of her mom
• Saying aloha to Yvette as they PCS'd
• The great rubber duckie race
• Sunrise service & Easter lunch with friends
• An Easter egg hunt & surprise proposal
• Whale watching with Rachel
• A trip to Lanikai beach
• Bowling night with the young married's group
• Kaci & Stephen's wedding weekend
• Grandma and grandpa's visit
• The Toby Keith Concert
• Military training over my house
• The partial solar eclipse
• Our trip to the Big Island with my parents
• Multiple trips to the pillboxes
• Our "secret" beach
• The state fair
• Pokai Bay
• Hickam Beach
• The all-church beach bash
• Ellen's farewell
• Lava tube lookout
• Boat trip to the sandbar

...whew... that's a LONG list... 

Be on the look-out for back-dated posts.
Obviously, there will be QUITE a few!

Kaneohe Sandbar Boat Trip

Adrien's sister Ceilidh (pronounced Caley) and her boyfriend had a long week of adventures from shark cage diving to skydiving so they were excited to just go out and float around on the boat. The rest of us wanted adventure! We packed up the SUPs, snorkel gear, and ice chests and were on our way for a much needed 5hr trip to the Sandbar.

We SUP'd until it was too shallow (it got to be about 6in deep in the middle!), snorkeled while turtle chasing, then ate and relaxed before attempting some SUP yoga on the big rental boards. The 11'6" was significantly easier than the 10'6" but I did manage the Warrior, Warrior 2, Plow, Chair, and Bridge poses!

With enough SPF 30 & wearing rash guards during the first hour long SUP trip we all managed to increase our tans and none of us got sunburned - which is pretty awesome for a group of white people. I am so grateful for having such amazing friends here on this island. I wish I had a waterproof camera, but it is nice to have some iPhone & Galaxy photos to share.

*Jennifer did have a GoPro, she's off-island at the moment but if she got some good footage I'll try to remember add it here later!

Lavatube Lookout

I follow a website called "Unreal Hawaii" and they make me want to go on new adventures everyday... so when they posted this entry, I just knew I had to find it... and I had a pretty good idea where it was... so I googled and googled, and compared pictures, then asked Kaci if she was up for an adventure that most likely would involve getting a little lost, and off we went!

From my knowledge of the south shore coastline I knew there would be limited areas to park so we prayed for a miracle and there just happened to be a spot at a little scenic lookout lot. We put on some sunscreen, gathered our packs, locked up the truck, and ran across the highway to the run-off ditch which we hiked in until we reached a portion with a guardrail. We immediately hopped the guardrail and began hiking down the cliff until we ran into the opening of the lava tube (no getting lost!). From there I'll let the photos tell the story, but I do have to make the comment that I had sea mist on the lens - which annoyed me when I got home and realized it - so if you see any blurriness that's why.

Kaci, thanks for being up for an adventure! So glad we got to experience this together!

Yoga at Sunrise

Adrien's sister and boyfriend, Steve, have been visiting this past week. They wanted to watch the sunrise from the pillboxes, Adrien extended the invite so my alarm went off at 4:30am this morning and off I went! We were super blessed with the cactus flowers blooming, amazing colors on the ocean behind the Mokes, the sun illuminating the Ko'olau's behind us, and an amazing rainbow!

Once at the top we had the top half of the pillbox to ourselves to we decided to do some yoga, thankfully Billy grabbed my camera to capture us. After our hike we, of course, went to Cinnamon's - where I actually had their macadamia nut cinnamon roll for the first time - delicious!

Ellen's Farewell

The battalion is going thru a "change of command" this month which means our CO (commanding officer) and his family are leaving us very soon. Dixie, our FRO (Family Readiness Officer), asked me if I would take care of the decorations for Ellen's party- she wanted bright aloha. So that's what I did!

We will miss Ellen and her husband, they actually cared about the family members which some CO's don't, rather they are strictly about the mission. She was at every send-off, homecoming, and battalion event despite her personal schedule and having two children! We already said that the next lady is going to have some big shoes to fill, praying she can!

Levi is 1! & Church Beach Bash

Sunday was a long but fun day! Started out with church at 9am, then headed to Levi's 1st birthday party at Lanikai at 12:30pm, moving to Kalama Beach at 2:30pm for the All-Church Beach Bash. I was blessed being asked to take all of the baptism photos! I only posted Sarah's here (because she is my friend) but we had 16 total! God is good.

We ended up hanging out at Kalama until 7:30pm... ending the night with s'mores... mmMmmm... it was a GREAT day full of body surfing, sun, blessings, friends, and good conversation. Can't beat a day like that.