Not so thankful...

Pre-Deployment Photoshoot (Nov.  12th, 2011)

I know it's Thanksgiving weekend but I am having a really hard time being truly thankful. It didn't actually hit me until after we got home from a fun and enjoyable Thanksgiving dinner at our friend's house... the quiet of our house, just the two of us. It doesn't help that Quinn has the beginnings of the flu and my stomach is so messed up that neither of us feel like doing anything but laying/sleeping on the couch. I wanted this weekend to have good memories, for us to smile, laugh, enjoy ourselves. Unfortunately, I can't seem to shake the cloud of uneasiness knowing that these memories will be the last few we get to make together for a long, long time. I am so proud of my husband, the love and devotion he has for his country/job, I just wish it didn't mean that he had to go so far away and be in danger daily. My heart is aching and he is still home, this week base has been so joyful. We've had 5 detachments return home in time for Thanksgiving- the welcome home banners, balloons, and photos are amazing. Two weeks ago it was a different story- the men who took their place left amongst many tears, last kisses/hugs, and the bewilderment of many young kiddos. It's a never ending cycle and our turn is next. I am not ready, is one ever? Saying goodbye to the one you love and share your life with is not a "normal" part of life- unless you live "this" life. However, I don't want this to be "my normal" it's incredibly hard. I know that God will never give me more than I can handle, but I feel like this past year has stretched me to my absolute limits and like a rubber band that is held in an overstretched position for a long period of time - I am about to snap apart. Everyday I do my best to focus on the positives but right now it's hard... Tomorrow is a new day. Goodnight all, I hope your Thanksgiving was truly blessed, it's time for me to cuddle up with my sickie hubby and be thankful for the time we can spend together, no matter the circumstances.

"Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior,
   who daily bears our burdens."
~Psalm 68:19

Playing Tourist Together!

Quinn got Wednesday off so we decided to play tourist! We grabbed the camera and headed north towards "Valley of the Temples" our first stop there was the Bydoo-In Temple:

After the Temple we drove through the "Gardens of America:"

Our last stop in the Valley was the Mosulem on the Hill:

After our quick tour of the Valley we headed north once again for the Macadamia Nut Farm. It wasn't quite as impressive as we thought (you had to pay for the tour) but we did get to try many different samples, Quinn tried the farm's macadamia nut coffee, and then we found the area we could crack our own!

It was a fun day... we are trying to soak-up all of the time together we can get!

North Shore Adventure

Brittany and I wanted to see the Reef Hawaiian Pro Surf Competition. Tuesday we packed an ice chest, beach bags, camera bags, diaper bag, changes of clothes, and headed off to Haleiwa. We didn't anticipate the President's motorcade to shut-down the freeway we planned on using, but little did we know he had been staying at the new Disney Resort. So, for about 45min we detoured through side-streets and neighborhoods until we finally found an open on-ramp and could continue on our way!

After taking a bit longer than expect we arrived... unfortunately it was a "lay day" which means no waves, no surfing. But, because we had made the drive and packed enough stuff to play all day we hung out on the beach for awhile. I even got little K to let me take him out in he waves which is something he usually only does with his daddy! However, in the process I managed to slice my toe open on the reef. I didn't think it was that bad and played in the sand then walked around on it for 2hrs afterwards while we checked out the local stores and of course hit up the ever so famous Matsomoto's for some delicious shave ice!

Once I got home I actually took the time to examine my toe... the cut was angled, FULL of sand, and kind of pussy. I took a shower then sat down and went to work. When I had to pull the cut open and swipe sand granules out with a q-tip the tears welled up in my eyes and I was really wishing Quinn was there to help me. That wasn't even the end of it... I had to cut a piece of the skin off to get all the sand out and then when I poured the hydrogen peroxide on I couldn't hold back the tears any longer. The picture doesn't do it justice... it is sand and blood free (post cleaning).

Even with the lack of surf competition and the injury it was a fun day out... I have a feeling there will be many more Brittany & Tay adventures in the upcoming months!

2011 Marine Corps Ball

This year's ball was definitely different than the last three I've been too, in good and bad ways. I know that everything is more expensive in Hawaii, but our tickets were super expensive and didn't include an open bar during cocktail hour. In the previous years' the bar has been open for the first hour (aka: cocktail hour) one year it was beer & wine, the other two were beer, wine, and the hotel's specialty mixed drinks. So, that was a bit of a let-down especially when one beer cost $7.00 a pop. I think the biggest let-down was the utter disrespect a large majority of the attendees (Marines included) had for the ceremony! It literally took halfway through the description of the "Missing Man Table" for the room to finally quiet down. Now, I don't condone playing a video to end a ceremony... but the fact that so many people got up for drinks, started chatting, and mingling during it was quite ridiculous. After all it was the Commandant & Sargent Major of the Marine Corps! I think the worse part was that the CO didn't get up and demand everyone quiet down.

However, I liked the photographers better because we didn't pay & pick-up at the ball, it was always awkward carrying around our photos. Instead they were posted online 4 days later and we got to pick which ones we wanted, crop them how we desired, and even with paying shipping they were cheaper (and we got more) than at the last three balls. The dessert was by far the best I've had at any of the balls... pineapple and lilikoi (passion fruit) ice cream cake! We went with a great couple, Brian & Brittany... Brittany is going to be one of my "deployment sisters." It was fun to hang out with them! We also ran into Kyle & Shayla, and many more new/old friends.

We stayed at the hotel (Hawaiian Hilton Village) so we got to wake up and walk along the beach. We were down in Waikiki at the same time as APEC so we did have to wait 15min to check-out because the Philippine Consultant General was checking in for a conference. It was a great night... I felt like a princess with my "knight."

anxiety frustration

If anxiety/panic attacks were a physical thing I'm pretty sure I would have punted them out of my life five months ago. It amazes me the lengths Satan will go to draw you away from God, to make you think you don't matter, that your problems aren't significant enough for God's attention & love. Or maybe that's just me? I felt like I was doing much better, even with the one bad night I experienced with my parents here. Until this week...

There's absolutely no denying that I over-did it this past weekend. I face-painted late into Friday night for the battalion haunted house. We hosted Quinn's deployment detachment (kids & all) at our home for a BBQ Saturday where I was up late again to drive the guys home that had a little too much alcohol. Then Sunday we attended church and then a Halloween party/BBQ at our friends house. That's a lot of late nights, junk food, and beef products (which my stomach doesn't seem to like anymore).

And then... the "discussion." I'm going to be up-front right now... yes I know my husband is a Marine, yes I know his job requires him to deploy, yes I know. But I honestly and truly feel that there is a difference between knowing & doing. Or understanding how to do. Except for the 3.5mo internship I completed for the Coast Guard I have never lived alone. I lived at home for college because it was cheaper to drive the 20min there than it was to live in a dorm room that I would have hated anyway. So basically I went from home for 20yrs to living in New Zealand/Australia for 1mo, back to home, then 2yrs later to California for 3.5mo, back to home... married and living with Quinn.

Sunday night I didn't sleep... I woke up every 30min until my body was so exhausted that I slept roughly from 3-7am. Monday I was a mess, I was over-tired, my stomach hurt, and my chest had a dull pain from my heart racing all night. I shook it off, chose to be happy and went about my day (with an afternoon nap thrown in). Monday night Quinn and I actually got to hang out for a bit and he prayed before we both fell asleep... I slept wonderfully. Last night... would have been a repeat of Sunday night, until at 1:30am I said "no" and rummaged around until I found the sleeping medication the doctor had prescribed me early on. I still woke up with a twisted tummy and a dull ache, but at least I slept.

I don't know what to do. Within the last week I can tell the anxiety/panic attacks are trying to come back with a vengeance, I am putting up a fight, but I would really like some help. I know that it's Satan trying to give me a "preview" of what my nights "will" be like during the deployment... but it will not! As much as I can't feel God in this aspect of life... I know he's there, because with praying and reading my Bible I was doing better.

I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow to discuss the anxiety medication and travel arrangements, we'll see what happens. Prayer for healing and guidance are appreciated.