Quinn's Birthday!

Today is Quinn's birthday... I made a reservation online for Ruth's Chris Steak House, they had little boxes to check... I clicked on the "1st time" and "Birthday" options. We arrived 15min early for our reservation, yet were seated within 5min of getting there.

Beautiful table decor... for birthday's they give you a cocktail glass with orchids. The table next to us was celebrating their anniversary and they had rose petals strewn all over theirs!

Our waitress was amazing, within minutes of being seated she asked whose birthday it was, then poured us complimentary sparkling wine! We were then brought our bread basket and menus. I chose the BBQ Jumbo Shrimp with garlic mashed potatoes while Quinn chose the Petite Filet with steamed spinach. Both of our dinners were absolutely delicious!

After they cleared our table from dinner we were brought a flaming dessert in celebration of Quinn's birthday... it was so cool!

Strawberries, chocolate, & caramel, on fire!

We even dressed nice! I got to wear my new $5 beaded tank and $9 heel booties (love the clearance racks, haha)... so fun!

Enjoying dinner.

After we got our check and validated parking (free!) she brought Quinn a little envelope that said "Happy Birthday" on the front. While walking back to the car he opened it and it was a gift card for $20.00 for our next visit to the restaurant!

Post dinner photo! It was a great date night =)

Ruth's Chris Steak House is definitely a winner when it comes to special events... free sparkling wine, birthday dessert, and a gift card for a return visit! CRAZY!

I have THE best friends

Thank you Kim... I love my new camera strap cover... and the cinnamon bears are an extra special treat since we can't find them here in Hawaii!

Ashley... this homemade wall art is amazing... the quote is perfect, I am planning on putting it on my nightstand in the new house to remind me every night before bed.

Tracy & Keila thank you so much for your kind words!

Thank you to everyone else who has been sending me texts, e-mails, facebook comments/messages daily... there are so many of you it would take all day to list your names! I hope you know how appreciative I truly am for your encouragement and daily prayers!

The Road to Recovery

"Courage doesn't always ROAR, sometimes it's the little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow'" 

-Mary Anne Radmacher

In my case, the quote above has been applicable lately. The days I have severe panic attacks- I can't fix those days but I can do better and try harder the next day. The road to recovery doesn't seem to have short-cuts, as with all things in life worth fighting for. I will beat this, I will not suffer from this forever, God first and foremost has his hand in this issue, my family (parents & husband) are my greatest supporters, my friends from all over the country send me encouraging words, I am blessed. I must remember this, remind myself of this daily.

I finally got to sit down with my Primary Care Manager for a good 30min today, I had been seeing another doctor in the family practice, but this was with my actual PCM. We talked about EVERYTHING that has been going on with me... moving here, until today. I will be using medication (I am not thrilled, but in order to get my levels back to normal, it is needed- Quinn will be supervising, and that is all I am saying on the subject), counseling, and self-help resources. I went to the Marine Corps Community Services & Marine Corps Family Team Building locations on base today and offered my services as a volunteer. I am in an amazing women's group at my church and I pray that we will continue meeting after this current book is complete. Every night I write down my "concerns" to get them out of my head and then write down 10 "blessings" to focus on instead just before going to sleep. I read the Bible daily (which I sadly confess, hadn't happened in a long time). 

I am working on improving myself, my mindset. I took a class a couple weekends ago called "In the Midst" it was amazing and had many helpful things for military spouses and women in general. Tomorrow I am signed up for a class called "The Four Lenses" supposedly it will teach me how I view the world and why others around me think differently and how to get along. Many of the ladies in the previous class raved about it, so I figured it would be worth it!

For the next month (besides the move) I am working on me... becoming a better version of the girl I was before moving here. 

Praying for restful nights, no panic attacks, the anxious feeling to leave my body, and supernatural peace.

Week in Review (6th-13th)

Saturday the 6th I slept most of the morning away, I was still recovering from my two intense evenings of panic attacks and not eating/sleeping for almost three days total. However, I pulled myself together and went over to Vanessa's house to help her prepare cupcakes for her boys birthday party like I had promised. Quinn and her husband went to the driving range then we all ate dinner together- I actually ate too! Chicken, rice, and broccoli. I got tired around 9pm and ended up sleeping pretty well that night.

Sunday the 7th I slept in too late for church and was still super out of it. Quinn connected his laptop to the TV and we watched the live-feed of church service while eating cinnamon rolls. After "church" I passed out on the couch for an hour. We then headed to the boy's birthday party at the base pool. I actually ate a 6in sub and a handful of chips and managed to get in up to my waist for a few under-water pictures. The kids loved Quinn, they were hanging on to him and having him throw them over and over. He will be a good dad, even if he doesn't see it yet.

Monday the 8th I woke up when Quinn left for work (4:30am) but managed to get back to sleep around 6am. Later that day I walked around town.... I went to a hair studio a friend from my Bible study recommended and made an appointment for the following day. Then I bought birthday gifts for the next two kid's parties we will be attending within 2wks.

Tuesday the 9th I did the same weird being awake for 2hrs in the morning thing, except this time it was around 3am-5am. I woke up at 8am feeling a little off/nervous. I assumed it was because I was going to a new hair salon, I still managed to eat a small breakfast and then I took a spray of my "rescue" a natural panic remedy. The salon was great, my stylist Liz was very nice to talk with and she massaged my head while conditioning it. That afternoon I went to meet with Quinn's unit Chaplain. He had a lot of interesting things to say- including that if one person in a relationship is experiencing such anxiety/fear it usually means the other isn't actively talking or physically being present. I do not blame Quinn he's been working 16hr days, so he's tired when he gets home... but it is hard, it's hard to tell him how I am feeling without him thinking that this is his fault. It's not. This is not caused by any one thing... Satan is attacking me. The chaplain did tells us that there are monthly marriage retreats that we can sign up for, that made me excited.

Wednesday the 10th had me awake from 2am-4am, I am starting to think that the anxiety pill had something to do with this. That day I ran to Target to pick up another game chair and storage cube for the future "man cave" since the futon will be our dedicated guest bed. I enjoyed an extremely unhealthy lunch of a soft pretzel and blue icee... but man was it good! After Target I headed to the NEX for a new hairbrush and some wrapping paper for the birthday gifts. Vanessa called and said she and the kids would be at the pool for a couple hours, but by the time I got back and on base they were tired so we just took them back to her house and we talked and watched Cash Cab.

Thursday the 11th I was awake from 1ish to 3ish, so weird. I got up and went to my women's Bible study, we are learning some AMAZING things in this study (Lioness Arising) and I'm seriously starting to see a trend in Satan's attacking me, because this book is all about women rising up to our true potential as leaders and servants in the church, and this panic/anxiety problem seems to be holding me back from life in general. Jessica one of the ladies has base & commissary access so we decided to go shopping together. But not before eating lunch- never go grocery shopping while hungry! We tried a new place called "Aloha Salads" it's all organic and natural, really tasty. While shopping I was continually price-matching and pulling coupons off the rack for her... they are on a tight budget at the moment, evidently her husband says I need to go shopping with her more often!

Friday the 12th I woke up and did the normal morning routine adding in preparing pot roast. Then I headed over to Vanessa's house before my counselor appointment to drop off some homemade strawberry sorbet (one of her sons is allergic to milk sugar-more intense than lactose intolerance) and Children's Place coupons seeing as I have no kids to dress for school. The appointment with the counselor went well, he said all of the natural remedy items mom sent/told me about were great options. Liquid multi-vitamin in the morning, rescue spray in case of anxiety, papaya tablets after meals for digestion, calcium/magnesium drink in the evening, and meletonin before bed. He said my demeanor and thoughts were much improved, I didn't cry once either. He would not refill my prescription for the anxiety pills, he said if I feel like they are needed he will need to put in a referral to see a psychiatrist (he is a psychologist, I had to google the difference). Quinn got home early and we hung out and enjoyed an early dinner then went to see "Cowboy's vs. Aliens." I probably over did it by eating chocolate chip cookies after the movie since it was past 10pm... but I went to sleep just fine. However at 11:30pm I woke up in full-blown panic attack status. Sweaty, heart-racing, wide awake, running for the bathroom (diharrea/vomit). I didn't even have time to try to pray/talk  myself down or use the rescue spray. This was quite a blow to my week of healing...

Bringin us to now, Saturday. I continually woke up every 45min, at 4am I needed to talk to someone and Quinn was so deep in sleep and had to be up at 6:30am to take his truck to the dealership I called my poor parents... I felt so bad, they are on vacation and everything. They calmed me down, talked me through it, and I eventually went back to bed, still waking up every hour. 10am I got up for good... not wanting to sleep all day so I can sleep tonight. Unfortunately, I ran to the bathroom and dry-heaved, completing the cycle I have come to know as a "night panic attack" it isn't really just an instance, it ruins the whole night/morning. I have yet to eat because water is still making me burp/cough, Quinn is home from the dealer now and we are hanging out in the family room together.


Prayer Warriors... I need your special God anointed gift right now. Please pray that this spirit of fear/anxiety will be lifted from me and that God's healing can fully take place within my mind, body, soul, and spirit. I cannot live this way forever, it is tearing me apart... and my relationship with Quinn, because he feels helpless in knowing what to do for me.

Nurse Piggies

After all my doctor's visits, trips to the ER, and different medications... it can get a little hard to be positive about overcoming my panic issues/stomach issues... thank goodness for my AMAZING and ENCOURAGING family and friends.

I have received cards in the mail from friends in AZ and MD, multiple e-mails and facebook comments from friends all over the country, phone calls and texts from family and friends, I talk to my parents at least every other day, and I try to send a text to my sister every now and them. Most of all, everyone is praying for my healing!

Recently I received an e-mail from Michelle containing this...

It was so cool to see these little guys again.

I'm so happy to know they are being taken care (aka: spoiled!)

Another ER Visit

1am this morning I woke up sweaty, my heart racing, a heavy chest, then running to the bathroom to vomit. The same thing had happened the night before around 2:30am including diarrhea. I was hardly able to eat anything all day yesterday, but I fell asleep around 10pm.

Quinn decided that we were going to the military hospital this time since the regular hospital ran test after test but gave us no clear diagnosis or answers the last time I was there. I was checked in around 1:45am and the nurse took me back for triage. I am down to 110lbs, when we moved here I was around 117/118, and my heart rate was near 104bpm with my blood pressure at 122/82, I felt like I was gasping for breathe. She asked how often this had been happening (three times just in the last week- Fri night, Wed morning, then Thurs morning), and what it felt like.

I was then given a pee cup- because as always, they needed to make sure I am not pregnant, this is the 5th pregnancy test I've taken in the last month and a half. After that Quinn and I were placed in a private room, I was given a warm blanket, and we were told the doctor would be by shortly. Three nurses, one police officer (why do people think anxiety=suicidal!?), and after repeating my story 3 times the doctor finally came in for the 4th rendition of my tale.

I was given a 1wk supply of nausea medication, because at that point I wasn't even holding down water. I was also given a one week supply of anxiety/sleep medication... because my appointment with the base psychiatrist is next Friday. My body is so out of whack from not sleeping, eating, or exercising normally that all my chemicals are off track. I am praying the sleep/anxiety medication allows me to get back into regular sleep pattern, but at the same time I do not want to get addicted to it or experience any of the scary side effects she had to tell us about. I hope that if the sleep returns to normal, I can have the energy to go back to exercising daily, and the regular eating will come due to hunger, rather than the nauseating feelings I've been having during the day and night.

I feel terrible, I don't know why this is happening, and mainly because it is negatively affecting Quinn. I know he is worried about me, just the way he looks at me tells me this. I had him up from 1am-4am and he still had to go into work... sometimes I hate the military for that. They need to allow rest days. He came home for lunch to check on me and we had to write down all the doctor's appointments, ER visits, and medications I've been given since moving here, I think he has to turn it into his command. He also said that the Chaplain has offered to sit down and talk with me about my panic attacks, I told him I would. I want to do anything to make this go away, to make me better, stronger. I know it's a chemical imbalance, but it doesn't make me feel any less weak, or that this isn't my fault. 

My parents and Quinn have been my go-to's (Although, I feel like I am wearing them out/making them worry more), the ladies from my Bible study know what's going on and have been praying, I am on the prayer list for my home church in Mesa, our Bible study group in Maryland, and the church's prayer list here in Hawaii.

Dear Lord, please let me get through this and understand why.

The Bible passage I read Wednesday morning until I fell asleep again:

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen."

1 Peter 5:6-11

Now just to truly have faith and believe it.