Week in Review (6th-13th)

Saturday the 6th I slept most of the morning away, I was still recovering from my two intense evenings of panic attacks and not eating/sleeping for almost three days total. However, I pulled myself together and went over to Vanessa's house to help her prepare cupcakes for her boys birthday party like I had promised. Quinn and her husband went to the driving range then we all ate dinner together- I actually ate too! Chicken, rice, and broccoli. I got tired around 9pm and ended up sleeping pretty well that night.

Sunday the 7th I slept in too late for church and was still super out of it. Quinn connected his laptop to the TV and we watched the live-feed of church service while eating cinnamon rolls. After "church" I passed out on the couch for an hour. We then headed to the boy's birthday party at the base pool. I actually ate a 6in sub and a handful of chips and managed to get in up to my waist for a few under-water pictures. The kids loved Quinn, they were hanging on to him and having him throw them over and over. He will be a good dad, even if he doesn't see it yet.

Monday the 8th I woke up when Quinn left for work (4:30am) but managed to get back to sleep around 6am. Later that day I walked around town.... I went to a hair studio a friend from my Bible study recommended and made an appointment for the following day. Then I bought birthday gifts for the next two kid's parties we will be attending within 2wks.

Tuesday the 9th I did the same weird being awake for 2hrs in the morning thing, except this time it was around 3am-5am. I woke up at 8am feeling a little off/nervous. I assumed it was because I was going to a new hair salon, I still managed to eat a small breakfast and then I took a spray of my "rescue" a natural panic remedy. The salon was great, my stylist Liz was very nice to talk with and she massaged my head while conditioning it. That afternoon I went to meet with Quinn's unit Chaplain. He had a lot of interesting things to say- including that if one person in a relationship is experiencing such anxiety/fear it usually means the other isn't actively talking or physically being present. I do not blame Quinn he's been working 16hr days, so he's tired when he gets home... but it is hard, it's hard to tell him how I am feeling without him thinking that this is his fault. It's not. This is not caused by any one thing... Satan is attacking me. The chaplain did tells us that there are monthly marriage retreats that we can sign up for, that made me excited.

Wednesday the 10th had me awake from 2am-4am, I am starting to think that the anxiety pill had something to do with this. That day I ran to Target to pick up another game chair and storage cube for the future "man cave" since the futon will be our dedicated guest bed. I enjoyed an extremely unhealthy lunch of a soft pretzel and blue icee... but man was it good! After Target I headed to the NEX for a new hairbrush and some wrapping paper for the birthday gifts. Vanessa called and said she and the kids would be at the pool for a couple hours, but by the time I got back and on base they were tired so we just took them back to her house and we talked and watched Cash Cab.

Thursday the 11th I was awake from 1ish to 3ish, so weird. I got up and went to my women's Bible study, we are learning some AMAZING things in this study (Lioness Arising) and I'm seriously starting to see a trend in Satan's attacking me, because this book is all about women rising up to our true potential as leaders and servants in the church, and this panic/anxiety problem seems to be holding me back from life in general. Jessica one of the ladies has base & commissary access so we decided to go shopping together. But not before eating lunch- never go grocery shopping while hungry! We tried a new place called "Aloha Salads" it's all organic and natural, really tasty. While shopping I was continually price-matching and pulling coupons off the rack for her... they are on a tight budget at the moment, evidently her husband says I need to go shopping with her more often!

Friday the 12th I woke up and did the normal morning routine adding in preparing pot roast. Then I headed over to Vanessa's house before my counselor appointment to drop off some homemade strawberry sorbet (one of her sons is allergic to milk sugar-more intense than lactose intolerance) and Children's Place coupons seeing as I have no kids to dress for school. The appointment with the counselor went well, he said all of the natural remedy items mom sent/told me about were great options. Liquid multi-vitamin in the morning, rescue spray in case of anxiety, papaya tablets after meals for digestion, calcium/magnesium drink in the evening, and meletonin before bed. He said my demeanor and thoughts were much improved, I didn't cry once either. He would not refill my prescription for the anxiety pills, he said if I feel like they are needed he will need to put in a referral to see a psychiatrist (he is a psychologist, I had to google the difference). Quinn got home early and we hung out and enjoyed an early dinner then went to see "Cowboy's vs. Aliens." I probably over did it by eating chocolate chip cookies after the movie since it was past 10pm... but I went to sleep just fine. However at 11:30pm I woke up in full-blown panic attack status. Sweaty, heart-racing, wide awake, running for the bathroom (diharrea/vomit). I didn't even have time to try to pray/talk  myself down or use the rescue spray. This was quite a blow to my week of healing...

Bringin us to now, Saturday. I continually woke up every 45min, at 4am I needed to talk to someone and Quinn was so deep in sleep and had to be up at 6:30am to take his truck to the dealership I called my poor parents... I felt so bad, they are on vacation and everything. They calmed me down, talked me through it, and I eventually went back to bed, still waking up every hour. 10am I got up for good... not wanting to sleep all day so I can sleep tonight. Unfortunately, I ran to the bathroom and dry-heaved, completing the cycle I have come to know as a "night panic attack" it isn't really just an instance, it ruins the whole night/morning. I have yet to eat because water is still making me burp/cough, Quinn is home from the dealer now and we are hanging out in the family room together.


Prayer Warriors... I need your special God anointed gift right now. Please pray that this spirit of fear/anxiety will be lifted from me and that God's healing can fully take place within my mind, body, soul, and spirit. I cannot live this way forever, it is tearing me apart... and my relationship with Quinn, because he feels helpless in knowing what to do for me.