I don't understand.

I really don't understand my mind, or my body for that matter. I don't get how I become anxious (about what?!) so quickly and it morphs into physical ailments (ie: rapid heart-rate, vomiting, diarrhea) within no time. I had such a good week too... I didn't have to take any medicine prescription/non-prescription, I was back to eating full means instead of picking at my food, and I even started on some crafting projects. I had the appointment with the counselor yesterday and everything seemed fine until after dinner. I was tired so I told Quinn to go to poker night with the boys and I was going to watch a chick-flick and rest. Halfway through the movie my heart started racing, my stomach started hurting, and I got shaky. My first thought was "no, not again!" My second, "what on earth?"

I prayed and said some of the "positive affirmations" the counselor gave me then I settled into bed and started on my new book "Redeeming Love." Come 2am Quinn came home to wife in horrible shape, I couldn't sleep, I was completely uncomfortable, and I was physically in pain. I broke down in tears... I can't explain WHY this is happening, it's like all of a sudden the world crashes in on me. I hate it.

Today I attended "In the Midst" a spouse workshop offered at the base chapel. Getting myself there plain sucked- I couldn't eat this morning so I sipped on water the whole time. But there were three break-out sessions:

1. Thoughts are Things - How our thoughts become actions
2. Creative Journaling to Clear the Mind - Sometimes we don't even know why we're worried until we write things down in the moment
3. Be the Queen for a Day- Easy ways to clear clutter from your life

I also learned that I am not alone... 4 other women from my group are also currently in counseling and during breakout session #1 almost all 10 ladies in my group were in tears.

I also need to remember that someone else always has it worse than me. One lady from today mentioned that her husband is in the Wounded Warrior Barracks, and sadly all of the women from their original unit have all but abandoned her. She just had a baby and no one threw her a baby shower... I asked if anyone brings baked goods to the guys or just comes to visit and she said besides the ones who have wives the main visitor is the Chaplain. I was appalled! These Marines, on a Marine base, have basically been abandoned other than the medical staff and their families. The fact that there is no support for their wives also kills me. I cannot imagine going through something as traumatic as having your husband come back broken from war and having no one to take care of you while you're doing everything to take care of him/your children. I gave her my phone number & e-mail and I asked her to let me know if I was allowed to bring baked goods down to the barracks. I'm hoping that we go out to lunch/dinner at some point as well.

Quinn said maybe what I need is to help others and through helping others I will help myself. Pastor JD used to say this... I know I need to focus on fixing my life. Making myself better. Relying on God... truly and passionately, right now I'm having a hard time with this last one because it seems like the more I reach out to God the further from him I feel. I know it is Satan, distorting the images and worries in my mind... but when I am in such a state of anxiety it's hard for me to change my focus, I feel alone.

Thanks again for your prayers, even if I don't feel like it, I know God is listening!