Undercooked Rice & "The Negativity Box"

You know you've reached your breaking point when:

•  You can't watch an action movie without being antsy over the conclusion, even when you've seen the movie before.
• No matter how many blessings you write down you're still thinking of "what-ifs" in the back of your mind.
• You won't take medicine because you're afraid you'll become reliant on it.
• Having one bad night makes you think you're a failure.
• You cry over undercooked rice in your new rice cooker... even with the simple solution is to close it and press "cook" once again.

...and many more silly little things that would normally not happen, be a small inconvenience, or you shouldn't even be worried about or thinking about.


I went to my (the super nice lady that listens and discusses options with me) doctor today... my resting heart rate was still too high to be considered normal (90bpm) and I was fidgety/antsy during our entire discussion. I mentioned how the things above have started affecting me and how severe the panic attacks are when they occur. She decided that the medicine that I hadn't taken wasn't going to help me anyway so it wasn't a big deal. I'm starting an anxiety medication tonight- I can take it nightly or when I feel like I'm having the beginning stages of an attack. She will be meeting with me again in 1.5-2mo to discuss how I am feeling. It is on me to continue eating healthy, get into a steady work-out routine, make sure I am sleeping adequately (7-8hrs), continue meeting with my Women's Bible Study, and try to find a place to volunteer so I'm not spending all my time at home. After this she'll do an evaluation and see if I'm ready to be weaned... aka: go down in dosage. It's a long road... and I'll need all the support I can get. I love you all, you will never know how much you've done for me so far!

After tonight's rice episode- Quinn decided that he's going to make me a "negativity box," kind of like my version of a "swearing jar." Anytime I say something negative about myself or something that I've done/made I have to put a quarter in it. I guess I didn't realize how down and out I've been lately. He said it's gotten to the point where he feels like he has to hold my hand through everything (I'm talking trivial stuff here, like cooking rice)... I need to gain my confidence back. The quicker the better.

He pointed out how my walking has upped since moving here and how that is something I should be proud about since for the past three months I've been so sick I couldn't even begin to think about doing anything physical, much less working out. Especially be proud of today- I jogged 4min, walked 6min, then jogged 2min (.9mi) then did 30 crunches, 5 yoga push-ups, 30sec plank, and some curls/triceps with my baby 5lb weights. Sometimes harsh words from the one you love are what you need, even if they result in tears.

I need to re-train my inner thought process to focus on positive things (any ideas on how to do this?). The negativity has to stop. I also know that I need to continue with my praying, praising, and reading my Bible. The closer I draw to God the harder it will be for Satan to infiltrate my mind.

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." {Philippians 4:4-7}